It’s been a while since I last posted. I’ve have deadlines for the end of my first year and haven’t had much time to write, although the last few months have been quite eventful.
So, it turns out I’ve got ADD (Attention Deficient Disorder). I actually suspected I had it years ago but never got around to getting tested until I was close to dropping out of uni. I’ve always been different to everyone else around me, like my mind doesn’t work in the same way. My thoughts and ideas are not the same as people around me, nor have they ever been. I’m an outlier in society. No-one is on the same wavelength as me.
I show the typical signs, inattentiveness, lateness, being disorganised, lack of attention to detail, impulsivity and spontaneity, but it was apparently never picked up on because I was always able to get by. No-one would suspect a guy like me to have ADD. I mean I’ve had great grades and now I’m doing a PhD. But the struggle was real. I’ve always found it hard to knuckle down and do work. I get lost in my own mind. it’s a junkyard of thoughts and once your lost inside it’s a never-ending maze. Sometimes I can procrastinate for weeks on end and other times I can function like a machine. Imagine having an hour of work to do but taking 3 weeks to do it because every pin drop sends you on a wild goose chase and then finishing in the final 20 minutes before a deadline.
It hasn’t just affected me academically. I’ve ruined friendships I thought would last forever because of it, and some which are beyond repair have plagued me for years. It’s a horrible feeling losing someone you care about over sheer stupidity. To the external observer, it would seem like I just get bored but it’s more than that. I can ghost from people without a second thought. My decisions are rash and illogical. Everything I do is unpredictable and spontaneous and I quite literally take life one day at a time, which some people can’t fathom. I never think about the repercussions of my actions. Initially people are attracted to that, but after some time it creates a barrier. I’ve had this experience far too many times for my liking and now I have an idea of why, I will try to fix it. I’ve read it can really affect people in adulthood and its certainly made my life more difficult than it needs to be so I’m glad it’s been picked up on now.
After having an official diagnosis, I was recommended to start taking Methylphenidate to help me focus for my PhD (I’m always on the verge or dropping out). I was initially reluctant buy I’m now starting a trial of the drug. Hopefully it will help, but the dose hasn’t started to affect me just yet, although I do feel slightly calmer. Not sure if that’s the pills though. Hopefully this can help me focus more in life and not make the same mistakes with people. I’ll keep you updated.